This weekend, I had an epiphany.
Saturday, I was really proud of myself for eating only 360 calories. It was like I had accomplished some incredible task. Like I had run the Boston Marathon or won an Olympic gold medal.
In actuality, what I did was weak and could easily have been done by anyone else
Of course, though, that was Ana controlling my thoughts.
Ana is funny like that. She tells you how much power you will feel or how much better you will be if you don’t eat. She says these things, until you break one of her rules.
Ana has lots of rules, like you can’t eat now…maybe later or look how much thinner those girls are then you, you’re not good enough! Then there is my personal favorite: do you ever want people to like you? Do you ever want someone to love you...THEN DON’T EAT!!
When you break one of Ana’s rules, she revolts against you.
You are so fat.
No one will ever love you.
This is why you have no friends
However, this is only my Ana. Everyone has an Ana, I think. A
Anorexia and bulimia are not just disorders. They take on form, personality, characteristics; as if they were a bossy friend at school who turns your group of friends against you when you tell her that you don’t want to be friends anymore.
Not every Ana is the same.
Some Ana’s tell you not to eat that cookie, or that you need to exercise more. Then there are some Ana’s that send you to the hospital weighing 86lbs.
Ana promises to make you happy, to make you perfect. Too often does Ana’s idea of perfection land you in the morgue. Ana isn’t happy until you are dead.
With that being said, why would Ana be so hard to get rid of? If a poisonous snake is 2ft away from you, isn’t your first instinct to run? So why not run from Ana, the serial killer??
It is in my opinion that Ana never really goes away. Sure, some people go to treatment centers, and therapy and some may even take medications. They may stop counting calories, and stop their cycles of bingeing and purging. But Ana is still there.
And she’s still there when you have a second thought about eating a cookie. Or when you wear a shirt that shows a little bulge of skin. Or when someone you like, asks out another person.
That’s when Ana is laughing to herself. When she tells you that none of this would be a problem if you had just listened to her.
You think she may be right and you return to Ana’s way of life. This is when Ana punishes you for leaving her, for thinking that you could make it without her.
Back into treatment for you. Back into therapy and drugs for you once more.
And this entire time, Ana is laughing uncontrollably. Laughing at you.
Ana spends your life making holes in your nerves and emotions. From the holes comes an opening. And who can resist and opening?